Not all that glitters is gold

I get questioned a lot on if I’ve found a guy, what’s new in my life, how things have been in the dating scene. I also get teased a lot about being a crazy cat lady (I don’t have a cat… Or 40 cats… But I do like kittens), about my blog, and about doing things alone. Mom… I’m safe…. Chill out. And on the other hand I also get a lot of comments that I’m so lucky to be single, even to the point that some people have said to me they wish they were, because it’s so much easier. So I’ve taken a few days, and rather than experiencing my normal single bar hangs, I’ve kind of wifed up to experience the other side. Just because I’m single does not mean there are aren’t any boys that I care so deeply for, that I would do anything and everything for them. I just know that I can’t have a relationship with them, and I’m slowly but surely coming to terms with that. It’s been awhile since I was in an actual relationship, about two years, so I’ve kind of forgotten how to do the whole dating thing. But I’ve compiled this list of positives and negatives of the single life while I was experiencing the other side. The twilight zone if you will…

The grass is always greener… Right? Now, P = Positive N = Negative. Keep up kiddos, this will be fun.

P1. Being single means I don’t have to abide by another humans schedule. I can do what I want, when I want. That seems to be a consistent theme of my single life, if you haven’t noticed. I don’t mind it AT ALL. I enjoy my personal freedom, and don’t want to ever take it for granted. I like to wake up early, and spend a lot of time getting gorgeous for the day. And I like to stay up late and drink at bars. Nobody can complain about my schedule, except for me when I don’t want to get out of bed. 🙂

N1. I find myself joking, stressing out, discovering new places etc. by myself. It would be nice to share some moments of my life with someone who is interested and invested in me. And to have someone to lean on when times are rough. I have a support system but at a distance, my support system also have their own lives. They can’t drop everything to be there in my life. Having that one person that you can share everything with is special and rare though. If you have it, be thankful.

(Ps I’m sitting at the bar and the guy next to me is cheering up his newly single friend and said “I be out pounding puppiessss.” Brilliant dude.)

P2. All of this personal time is teaching me to be even more domesticated. A few weeks ago I had to kill a small dinosaur in my apartment. Okay, it was a house centipede, but still. And I did spazz out and yelled that I needed an adult, but I still murdered that baby dinosaur (in the garbage disposal) by myself! But that’s not all. I mean I’m learning all skills necessary to lead an adult life, which is saying way more than some of the people I know. They are learning to be dependent on others.

N2. The thought of getting married and having kids is growing cloudy. I can’t see myself married to a man, but I do know what my wedding would look like. And I really can’t see myself raising a child, but it would be cool to have a mini me running around one day. That kid would be so crazy and fun. Could the world actually handle that? It’s a scary thought to find things I do want in my future seeming unfathomable. I set goals and I do everything in my power to reach them, but then again is this a goal that we can set for ourselves?

P3. I only have to clean up after myself and I can do that however I want to and can maintain my lifestyle. During my wifey week I cleaned up after others and geez…. My personal OCD was at an all time high. Once I started I couldn’t stop until it was all done. And it had to be perfect. The struggle was real. Real dirty.

N3. A dude to have my back would be cool. New neighbors moved in upstairs and I’m already aggravated. Prior to these kids it was two gay guys who beat the living shit out of each other. (Call me a narc but when you’ve kept me up until 4:30 am fighting viciously I finally called the cops on them. Pretty sure that’s why they were evicted but I’m not sorry.) Now it’s a couple, and they are loud and obnoxious, and the sounds of them fighting is driving me crazy. Better shape up and quiet down before I send my boyfriend to shut you up! Oh wait– I don’t have one of those. Haha, what a sad joke. Which provides an additional positive note:

P3.2 I don’t like arguing and fighting and I don’t have to. I witnessed people in relationships, I live below people in a relationship, and I have been in a relationship where the couple fights all…. the…. time. It’s sad and scary and EXTREMELY annoying. Be chill, be happy, enjoy each other’s company. If you’re in a bad mood, walk away and calm down to address the problems you’re having.

P4. I don’t have to worry about meeting new people, not liking them, or them not liking me. The holidays are around the corner and I hear everyone stressing about making dinner for their family and in-laws or having to spend time with family members they don’t want to. While I’m not the most of excited to be in the same house with just my family doing nothing for 12+ hours (Guys… I have a hard time sitting still and not being productive) it’s not the worst ever. And I don’t have to make friends with people that my significant other has that I may not like. Right now I can meet whoever and don’t have to worry about hanging with them in an awkward situation. I talk to strangers, and that’s it. I’ll most likely not see the idiots ever again. I have my friends that I will keep around for ages, and enjoy their company as well. It’s an awesome win-win for me.

N4. I can’t have just friends. It always turns into something I don’t want it to be. Or someone on the outside turns it into something I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to date every guy I spend time with, I just think people are cool. And if you even suggest that I’m a lesbian because I’m hanging with a girl, or not hanging with anyone, would you like me to punch you in the face or the balls? I’ll be decent enough to give you the option. My point to make to the people who can’t just be my friend: I am not the most of hideous girls out there, and I love deeply, but I haven’t been in a committed relationship in over two years… There has to be a reason why. So keep your distance and just be my friend.

P5. I am learning all the all the details about myself at a really cool time in my life. I know where I want to go with my career, what I want in a significant other, and what I want out of my twenties. I get to be selfish and independent and there’s not many girls my age who get to do the same. I’ve learned the genres of music, movies, and television that I like and can enjoy it to the fullest. I know what I like to make for dinner, where I like to go to have fun, and how I like to schedule myself. I can only embrace this. So many people lose out on this opportunity because they are trying to accommodate a special person in their life. My mom married and had kids young, which I’m thankful to be alive and to be close in age to my parents, but I know she missed out on a lot and her and my father are very reliant on each other. I want to know everything about myself, be fully independent, and then share that wholly with someone.

N5. I hate the questioning of who I am and what I’m doing. No I don’t have a boyfriend. No I don’t have a girlfriend. No there is nothing wrong with me. No I don’t want all of that. No I don’t want to fuck. Gah. Just let me sit alone. And anyone who thinks sitting alone at the bar is asking for it, fuck you. Yep. I get this all the time. If you want a better explanation of what I mean, check out my next Way Back Wednesday  on Thanksgiving Eve.

There are reasons why I am making the choices I am right now. But what will be, will be. And I can’t do anything but build and enjoy this ride for myself. I hope if you are going through single life right now, that you can find peace in it. Meet new people, discover awesome things about yourself, and be happy. There is nothing more I can wish for all of you than just that. Find the positives in life and dig it. But most of all, love yourself through the ups and downs. If you are with someone, or if you are single, I hope you know that the other side may look nice but your life is the only one you can live.

Today I don’t have a quote for you, but a poem. Written by R. M. Drake. If you’ve never seen his poetry, check him out on instagram @rmdrk (or his book is for sale on etsy) for more beautiful words…

“She was never crazy. She just didn’t let her heart settle in a cage. She was born wild, and sometimes we need people like her. For it’s the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours. And she was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved.”

Stay gorgeous my dears.

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Ladies and Gentlemen Listen (and Drink) Up!!

I  firmly don’t believe I’m a feminist and certainly not a “feminazi”. I think a man’s mind is advanced in certain key factors and a woman’s is in key in others. I mean, give a man a freshly born baby and he might not have the instinct to raise it. Give a woman a drill and some drywall and she probably wouldn’t know what to do right away. But if you give both manuals, books, and further education and they’ll both figure it out. And they’ll both be (decently) successful, until they are completely competent in that subject. Then they’ll be fucking great. So I’m creating a manual that is influenced by my small attachment of being proud to be a woman and independent. I am self sufficient and can hold my ground as a woman sitting alone at a bar. Tonight is Lucky’s Tap Room and Eatery, located in the Oregon District. Small and cozy, and only the second time I’ve been here.  (By the way, if you have a bar suggestion or request let me know! I’ll be happy to test the lonely waters.)

There’s not much seating and I’m sandwiched on the corner by two men, one of which has already introduced himself and wants to talk about our jobs, my dinner, and what the other tables are ordering. (Please let me eat, drink, and blog in peace. I just sat down!!) Any who, back to this manual. I’m sure I’ll add more to this later, but this is a good start for an easy night.

Here we go! Grab your drink now while you still have time…

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Tips and tricks of being single at the bar… and how to enjoy it. 

Ladies:

1. Never feel like you have to tell a man who is hitting on you at a bar that you have a boyfriend — ESPECIALLY when you don’t. Be honest and the strong woman I know you are, and even more so when you are not interested. It’s okay to just want to chill the fuck out and not get picked up. I read another bloggers post about this and it has changed my single life completely. If it doesn’t work, walk away, and if the man is persistent, tell a bouncer or bartender. No one is allowed to make you feel bad or unsafe for being alone.

2. Eat, drink, and wear whatever your little heart desires. You don’t have to be on a date or plan a huge night out to dress up, head to your local pub, eat a hamburger, and take shots. Most of the bars I visit are laid back and big on beer. No matter how much I try to drink it beer gives me a headache and liquor doesn’t. So no shame in ordering my crown and coke. Hey, to each their own. I also wear a uniform 5 out 7 days in the week, so I dress up when I can. Today I spent 5 hours working on our website in my jammies and still dirty from the night before. So I picked out a dress, took a shower, and decided to look bad ass for no reason but for myself. And order the damn hamburger. Tonight I needed vegetables and got a salad, but next time I’m getting that burger and fries.

3. Learn clever lines to strike up or end conversation. You are beautiful. And guaranteed the men are going to be starting conversation with you. If you want to talk to strangers (one of my favorite hobbies) mention something funny back. One time a guy in a Nasa shirt asked me if I was single and I responded with a “Yes. Are you an astronaut?” He laughed it off and even said he wasn’t expecting that response but no he wasn’t an astronaut. So my way of shutting down the conversation was “well that’s unimpressive”. Very sassy. That’s when the kicker came back in: “I’m not an astronaut but I’ll take you to the stars.” Good one dude! Honestly, thumbs up. It was just a fun conversation that I wanted to continue. Now when someone who is wasted comes up and I just want to drink and watch football and says “you look lonely.” I drop the “I’m in a bar full of people, impossible to be lonely.” Or “you look bored.” “I’ve challenged myself to finish this drink and I need to accomplish that.” That usually gets them to shut up and walk away. You’ll slowly make up your own and if you have lines already, feel free to leave them in the comments below. 🙂

Men:

1. It is not creepy for you to sit alone and chill at a bar. This is the #1 thing I hear guys mention when I tell them about loner bar hangs and tell them to try it out. You’re creepy if you’re with a group of buddies and you’re all drunk and trying to pick up every girl at the bar. That’s a sleaze ball move. But if you’re drinking, enjoying music or sports, or just doing whatever you want to do, you look cooler to me. And if you’re by yourself, so what! You’re having fun and that’s all that matters. You’ll learn new things about yourself and even have awesome conversations with other loner people. It’s pretty fun.

2. Learn your drinking limits. And then drink under those limits. Look I’m not one to tell you have a boring time while hanging out, but if you’re with a group (or not) and you’re slurring your speech or you’re barfing outside, it’s just not cool. People will worry, you’ll get pulled over, you could get really hurt or worse. And if you’re drinking to keep up with your friends or the girl you’re with, that’s just plain stupid. Drink what you can, when you can. Nobody cares if you can belly up to the bar every time the song “shots” comes on. And if they do, they’re young, dumb, and not the crowd you wanna hang with. (Considering the bartender probably already hates them for being annoying as fuck.)

3. Find your signature drink and enjoy it when you can. I’m sure everyone knows by now that I am a crown royal and coke girl. But if bud light keeps ya happy, drink it. Shots of patron with a lime, by all means order it. Shirley Temple? Have at it dude. (I mean, I don’t strongly suggest a Shirley Temple, just for the fact that there is no alcohol.) Anyway, at the end of the day, the only person you should be out to please is yourself. If your friends make fun of you for ordering a “girly” drink, then they are crappy friends (you can do way better–or simply drink up with pride and laugh when they cringe and choke on the shot they’re doing that they don’t even like.) So order that pineapple upside down cake and chug that shit. Ain’t no shame when you’re doing your thing and well for what it’s worth, you’re still neat in my book.

So in conclusion, have fun being you. Take pride in the choices you make. And enjoy this life… It’s the only one you’ve got. I once read that you only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough and that is a key thought to being excited about the life you lead as a single, powerful, and independent human being. Male or female. 😉

“I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay, even though I wasn’t.” – Kurt Cobain

Stay cool kids. ✌️