Not So Way Back Wednesday… Captain D-Bag reporting for duty.

So just a few days ago (Saturday to be exact) I decided to go down to the Oregon. I got off late and just wanted a drink. I’ve been working a lot lately, and not doing my usual bar hangs, and I needed to get out. So I stopped down at Blind Bob’s. And I had THE WORST stranger interactions I’ve ever had. Ever. Just god awful. I kept it sassy, but man I need to vent this one out.

So it’s Saturday and I get it, people go out and bars are packed. That’s cool by me I don’t mind at all. So I find one of the only empty seats at the bar (near a corner with an empty seat to my right). I’m hanging out, and can I just mention that there is not a single bar I visit anymore where I have to actually order my drink. If you’re curious as to why, visit my blog post “Why you should be friends with a bartender… but don’t date them!” And I’m relaxing, enjoying the music and that’s where the fun ends for awhile. Three dudes walk up and are hanging in front of the service mat. So I was working on a blog, and when I do that I use my notepad on my phone and just type (text?) away. I usually don’t get bothered, and I can hear what’s going on around me, it’s just what I do. If anything it’s an occasional “What are you doing?”, but one of the guys to my right is talking about getting out of jail and another to his right is bitching about people being so obsessed over their phones and Facebook. I can hear him and just giggle a little to myself. Really guy? What year are you living in? Find me three people under the age of 30 who don’t use some form of  social media, and I’ll be impressed.

Now the bar is crowded and I’m kind of surrounded so I can’t really get out of where I am, but a little more personal space would be nice. A few minutes pass with elbows and shoulders bumping me and that’s when Captain D-Bag introduces himself to me. Unfortunately, he’s standing in a way that is directly in my line of sight. And I couldn’t even tell you this guys name. But he’s asking if I’m here alone. Of course I say yes, I shouldn’t have to answer any other way. And that’s when it starts to go downhill. He’s mocking the fact that I’m on my phone. And I laughed it off once…. twice…. a third time…. And then the comment is getting old. (Kids, please keep in mind that during this entire conversation, I was trying to end it and avoid talking to this guy and his friends. I am NOT glutton for punishment by any means. But when you’re being a dick and I’m not in the mood to deal, I’m going to get sassy.) A few minutes pass and the silence is ended with this gem of a conversation:

 

“So do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.” (The sass in my voice and lack of eye contact should have been sign #1 to leave me alone.)
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Awkward look “No.” (By awkward I mean bitch face look. Sign #2. But I’ll continue to see what is said next.)
“Well why not?”
“Because I don’t need or want one.”
“You don’t want one? How old are you?” (What’s even more frustrating is I had this exact conversation this summer while hanging out at Wing’s with a drunk dude. My age has nothing to do with not wanting a boyfriend. I would do a WBW on that night too… but it would be so similar to this story of douche baggery.)
“No and I’m 23, I have plenty of time.” (By this point I’m extremely aggravated– please learn the signs that you are annoying someone. )
“Well I’m sure in 2-3 years you’ll want a husband and kids and want to be settled down, but you won’t meet anyone with your face buried in your phone. Facebook is fake, and you’re missing real people.”
“Ugh… Okay?”

This is the point in the conversation where the guy and his friends are complimenting my eyes and telling me I’m pretty, and I look up and say “thank you” to the friends but not Captain D-Bag, look down, and keep working on my blog. They are talking about my tattoos, and even better the bartender hears them. It’s the kid that just got out of jail asking me how many I have and telling me that it’s cool I have them. What’s even more creepy is that I don’t remember him being able to see my tattoos. But If you’ve read previous WBW blogs then you’ll know how much I HATE when men talk about my tattoos. The bartender had to know this because he starts joking with the guys telling them to keep asking things like what do they mean, how much did they cost, and my “favorite”did they hurt? — he told them in a jokey manner that he was sure I loved these questions. But the guys just stared at him like a light bulb finally went off in their heads and they realized how dumb they sounded. You’d think the conversation would be over finally….

That’s when a man walks up on my left. [PS I can’t see out of my left eye, so it’s kind of uncomfortable for me to have people on my left, but he asks if he can squeeze in to order a drink.] “Sure, go ahead.” He instantly is yelling for a bartenders attention and is leaning so far back into me that I grabbed his arm and pushed him away. This went on for a couple of annoying minutes. And that’s when Captain D-Bag notices him and gets so excited about this guy. I guess they talked earlier in the night… So now they are yelling from one side of me to the other side about who knows what, and the guy on my left is so in to it, that he is sitting on my leg. Alright dude… for real… I need space. I can’t get out because there is a crowd behind me, people on both sides, and I have a good fucking seat anyway.

I gave it two minutes and looked at D-Bags buddy and said “tell your friend to stop talking to him so he’ll order and leave. I need some personal space and he is sitting on me.”

That’s when Captain D-Bag gave me a lecture worthy of getting punched in the dick. “You’re sitting at a bar, there is no such thing as personal space. If you want room you need to go sit at a table. But you can’t expect anything else by sitting here.” — Alright dick. I was here first and had plenty of room until you started encouraging this dude. So before I could respond to him I had to push the foreign guy by his arm and said “order your drink and move, you’re sitting on me.” He was so oblivious that he had to look in my lap to see what he was doing. Finally! A bartender took his drink order and he started yelling back at D-Bag. So I stopped him again and in the most angry voice I had, I told him if he wanted to talk to that guy that he needed to walk around the corner of the bar and give me room. Guys… I enjoy talking to strangers. I like the weird and unusual things in this world. But I can’t stand rude jerks.

When foreign guy and D-Bag stop talking of course he starts back on me. In the mean time his friends are now apologizing for him being a douche and that’s when he proudly says “I know I’m a douche, but I’m okay with that.” Please– if anyone calls you any foul name — don’t be proud of it. Maybe you should change your gross personality. I just want to keep writing my blog… Please just stop talking in my direction… 😦

So he goes on about me being attractive again. It’s not flattering at all to me, just shut the fuck up already. It’s like a bipolar effect of me being good looking, to me being glued to my phone and I’m just laughing to myself at his stupid commentary. Time to unleash the bitch from hell… (You may not think this is the rudest I could have been or should have been… but for me, this is the one of the worst things I could have said to him. And I don’t feel an ounce of guilt.)

“I’m really ready to meet a girl and settle down, I would love to be married.”
“Maybe you should get on Facebook to meet her, since it’s fake, and you’re a douche in real life.”
His friends are finally telling him to stop talking to me, that I’m going to start burning him and that he looks dumb.
“She’s not burning me, this is kind of fun. I’m just telling her that I would love a girlfriend. She’s so beautiful, and I just want to talk to her.”

I finally looked at him and to shut this down I said “If you really want, I’ll find you a girl in this bar who would be willing to talk to you and fuck, but that girls is not me. So you can stop now.”
“By all means if you can find me a girl!”
“Well it’s going to be the girl barfing in the corner of the room, she’s the only one with low enough standards to talk to you. So you should go over there and leave me alone.”

And it was over, he left me alone and I didn’t have to hear his stupid comments again. But re-enter foreign dude. Again he starts yelling at the bartenders to get their attention. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times… DO NOT YELL AT YOUR BARTENDER. Of course, it’s a busy night and the bartender finally yells back at him that he’s being rude and if he is going to be a dick to go somewhere else. He shuts up for a minute and they finally come back to serve him. “Can I have a beer?” “What kind of beer?” “I don’t know, what do you have?”

You’re kidding me, right? Beer and Dayton go hand and hand. Butter to popcorn. Just watching this guy interact with human beings made me feel the dumbest I ever have. They serve him the basics, and it’s over. FINALLY.

The only way to recover from this night was shots. One for the bartender, one for me. And more drinks.

Look if you know when you drink that you become a giant Douche Bag… Don’t interact with people you don’t know. And when you’re friends are telling you to calm down… Do it. I can usually handle my own, and this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me. But when I’m doing my own thing and you’re chiming in to my life too much, I will shut you down. Just drink and enjoy the night, play it cool. And leave the girl that’s by herself and working on her phone ALONE. People can be so idiotic.

Ahh… it feels so good to get this out of my head and in my WBW category. Let’s take a moment to cheers to no more nights surrounded by the Biggest Douche Bags in Dayton!

Thanks for reading my friends, live long and prosper.

“Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper: by the time you realize that it’s open, it has already embarrassed you…”

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Ladies and Gentlemen Listen (and Drink) Up!!

I  firmly don’t believe I’m a feminist and certainly not a “feminazi”. I think a man’s mind is advanced in certain key factors and a woman’s is in key in others. I mean, give a man a freshly born baby and he might not have the instinct to raise it. Give a woman a drill and some drywall and she probably wouldn’t know what to do right away. But if you give both manuals, books, and further education and they’ll both figure it out. And they’ll both be (decently) successful, until they are completely competent in that subject. Then they’ll be fucking great. So I’m creating a manual that is influenced by my small attachment of being proud to be a woman and independent. I am self sufficient and can hold my ground as a woman sitting alone at a bar. Tonight is Lucky’s Tap Room and Eatery, located in the Oregon District. Small and cozy, and only the second time I’ve been here.  (By the way, if you have a bar suggestion or request let me know! I’ll be happy to test the lonely waters.)

There’s not much seating and I’m sandwiched on the corner by two men, one of which has already introduced himself and wants to talk about our jobs, my dinner, and what the other tables are ordering. (Please let me eat, drink, and blog in peace. I just sat down!!) Any who, back to this manual. I’m sure I’ll add more to this later, but this is a good start for an easy night.

Here we go! Grab your drink now while you still have time…

photo (2)

Tips and tricks of being single at the bar… and how to enjoy it. 

Ladies:

1. Never feel like you have to tell a man who is hitting on you at a bar that you have a boyfriend — ESPECIALLY when you don’t. Be honest and the strong woman I know you are, and even more so when you are not interested. It’s okay to just want to chill the fuck out and not get picked up. I read another bloggers post about this and it has changed my single life completely. If it doesn’t work, walk away, and if the man is persistent, tell a bouncer or bartender. No one is allowed to make you feel bad or unsafe for being alone.

2. Eat, drink, and wear whatever your little heart desires. You don’t have to be on a date or plan a huge night out to dress up, head to your local pub, eat a hamburger, and take shots. Most of the bars I visit are laid back and big on beer. No matter how much I try to drink it beer gives me a headache and liquor doesn’t. So no shame in ordering my crown and coke. Hey, to each their own. I also wear a uniform 5 out 7 days in the week, so I dress up when I can. Today I spent 5 hours working on our website in my jammies and still dirty from the night before. So I picked out a dress, took a shower, and decided to look bad ass for no reason but for myself. And order the damn hamburger. Tonight I needed vegetables and got a salad, but next time I’m getting that burger and fries.

3. Learn clever lines to strike up or end conversation. You are beautiful. And guaranteed the men are going to be starting conversation with you. If you want to talk to strangers (one of my favorite hobbies) mention something funny back. One time a guy in a Nasa shirt asked me if I was single and I responded with a “Yes. Are you an astronaut?” He laughed it off and even said he wasn’t expecting that response but no he wasn’t an astronaut. So my way of shutting down the conversation was “well that’s unimpressive”. Very sassy. That’s when the kicker came back in: “I’m not an astronaut but I’ll take you to the stars.” Good one dude! Honestly, thumbs up. It was just a fun conversation that I wanted to continue. Now when someone who is wasted comes up and I just want to drink and watch football and says “you look lonely.” I drop the “I’m in a bar full of people, impossible to be lonely.” Or “you look bored.” “I’ve challenged myself to finish this drink and I need to accomplish that.” That usually gets them to shut up and walk away. You’ll slowly make up your own and if you have lines already, feel free to leave them in the comments below. 🙂

Men:

1. It is not creepy for you to sit alone and chill at a bar. This is the #1 thing I hear guys mention when I tell them about loner bar hangs and tell them to try it out. You’re creepy if you’re with a group of buddies and you’re all drunk and trying to pick up every girl at the bar. That’s a sleaze ball move. But if you’re drinking, enjoying music or sports, or just doing whatever you want to do, you look cooler to me. And if you’re by yourself, so what! You’re having fun and that’s all that matters. You’ll learn new things about yourself and even have awesome conversations with other loner people. It’s pretty fun.

2. Learn your drinking limits. And then drink under those limits. Look I’m not one to tell you have a boring time while hanging out, but if you’re with a group (or not) and you’re slurring your speech or you’re barfing outside, it’s just not cool. People will worry, you’ll get pulled over, you could get really hurt or worse. And if you’re drinking to keep up with your friends or the girl you’re with, that’s just plain stupid. Drink what you can, when you can. Nobody cares if you can belly up to the bar every time the song “shots” comes on. And if they do, they’re young, dumb, and not the crowd you wanna hang with. (Considering the bartender probably already hates them for being annoying as fuck.)

3. Find your signature drink and enjoy it when you can. I’m sure everyone knows by now that I am a crown royal and coke girl. But if bud light keeps ya happy, drink it. Shots of patron with a lime, by all means order it. Shirley Temple? Have at it dude. (I mean, I don’t strongly suggest a Shirley Temple, just for the fact that there is no alcohol.) Anyway, at the end of the day, the only person you should be out to please is yourself. If your friends make fun of you for ordering a “girly” drink, then they are crappy friends (you can do way better–or simply drink up with pride and laugh when they cringe and choke on the shot they’re doing that they don’t even like.) So order that pineapple upside down cake and chug that shit. Ain’t no shame when you’re doing your thing and well for what it’s worth, you’re still neat in my book.

So in conclusion, have fun being you. Take pride in the choices you make. And enjoy this life… It’s the only one you’ve got. I once read that you only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough and that is a key thought to being excited about the life you lead as a single, powerful, and independent human being. Male or female. 😉

“I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay, even though I wasn’t.” – Kurt Cobain

Stay cool kids. ✌️