Not So Way Back Wednesday… Captain D-Bag reporting for duty.

So just a few days ago (Saturday to be exact) I decided to go down to the Oregon. I got off late and just wanted a drink. I’ve been working a lot lately, and not doing my usual bar hangs, and I needed to get out. So I stopped down at Blind Bob’s. And I had THE WORST stranger interactions I’ve ever had. Ever. Just god awful. I kept it sassy, but man I need to vent this one out.

So it’s Saturday and I get it, people go out and bars are packed. That’s cool by me I don’t mind at all. So I find one of the only empty seats at the bar (near a corner with an empty seat to my right). I’m hanging out, and can I just mention that there is not a single bar I visit anymore where I have to actually order my drink. If you’re curious as to why, visit my blog post “Why you should be friends with a bartender… but don’t date them!” And I’m relaxing, enjoying the music and that’s where the fun ends for awhile. Three dudes walk up and are hanging in front of the service mat. So I was working on a blog, and when I do that I use my notepad on my phone and just type (text?) away. I usually don’t get bothered, and I can hear what’s going on around me, it’s just what I do. If anything it’s an occasional “What are you doing?”, but one of the guys to my right is talking about getting out of jail and another to his right is bitching about people being so obsessed over their phones and Facebook. I can hear him and just giggle a little to myself. Really guy? What year are you living in? Find me three people under the age of 30 who don’t use some form of  social media, and I’ll be impressed.

Now the bar is crowded and I’m kind of surrounded so I can’t really get out of where I am, but a little more personal space would be nice. A few minutes pass with elbows and shoulders bumping me and that’s when Captain D-Bag introduces himself to me. Unfortunately, he’s standing in a way that is directly in my line of sight. And I couldn’t even tell you this guys name. But he’s asking if I’m here alone. Of course I say yes, I shouldn’t have to answer any other way. And that’s when it starts to go downhill. He’s mocking the fact that I’m on my phone. And I laughed it off once…. twice…. a third time…. And then the comment is getting old. (Kids, please keep in mind that during this entire conversation, I was trying to end it and avoid talking to this guy and his friends. I am NOT glutton for punishment by any means. But when you’re being a dick and I’m not in the mood to deal, I’m going to get sassy.) A few minutes pass and the silence is ended with this gem of a conversation:

 

“So do you have a boyfriend?”
“No.” (The sass in my voice and lack of eye contact should have been sign #1 to leave me alone.)
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Awkward look “No.” (By awkward I mean bitch face look. Sign #2. But I’ll continue to see what is said next.)
“Well why not?”
“Because I don’t need or want one.”
“You don’t want one? How old are you?” (What’s even more frustrating is I had this exact conversation this summer while hanging out at Wing’s with a drunk dude. My age has nothing to do with not wanting a boyfriend. I would do a WBW on that night too… but it would be so similar to this story of douche baggery.)
“No and I’m 23, I have plenty of time.” (By this point I’m extremely aggravated– please learn the signs that you are annoying someone. )
“Well I’m sure in 2-3 years you’ll want a husband and kids and want to be settled down, but you won’t meet anyone with your face buried in your phone. Facebook is fake, and you’re missing real people.”
“Ugh… Okay?”

This is the point in the conversation where the guy and his friends are complimenting my eyes and telling me I’m pretty, and I look up and say “thank you” to the friends but not Captain D-Bag, look down, and keep working on my blog. They are talking about my tattoos, and even better the bartender hears them. It’s the kid that just got out of jail asking me how many I have and telling me that it’s cool I have them. What’s even more creepy is that I don’t remember him being able to see my tattoos. But If you’ve read previous WBW blogs then you’ll know how much I HATE when men talk about my tattoos. The bartender had to know this because he starts joking with the guys telling them to keep asking things like what do they mean, how much did they cost, and my “favorite”did they hurt? — he told them in a jokey manner that he was sure I loved these questions. But the guys just stared at him like a light bulb finally went off in their heads and they realized how dumb they sounded. You’d think the conversation would be over finally….

That’s when a man walks up on my left. [PS I can’t see out of my left eye, so it’s kind of uncomfortable for me to have people on my left, but he asks if he can squeeze in to order a drink.] “Sure, go ahead.” He instantly is yelling for a bartenders attention and is leaning so far back into me that I grabbed his arm and pushed him away. This went on for a couple of annoying minutes. And that’s when Captain D-Bag notices him and gets so excited about this guy. I guess they talked earlier in the night… So now they are yelling from one side of me to the other side about who knows what, and the guy on my left is so in to it, that he is sitting on my leg. Alright dude… for real… I need space. I can’t get out because there is a crowd behind me, people on both sides, and I have a good fucking seat anyway.

I gave it two minutes and looked at D-Bags buddy and said “tell your friend to stop talking to him so he’ll order and leave. I need some personal space and he is sitting on me.”

That’s when Captain D-Bag gave me a lecture worthy of getting punched in the dick. “You’re sitting at a bar, there is no such thing as personal space. If you want room you need to go sit at a table. But you can’t expect anything else by sitting here.” — Alright dick. I was here first and had plenty of room until you started encouraging this dude. So before I could respond to him I had to push the foreign guy by his arm and said “order your drink and move, you’re sitting on me.” He was so oblivious that he had to look in my lap to see what he was doing. Finally! A bartender took his drink order and he started yelling back at D-Bag. So I stopped him again and in the most angry voice I had, I told him if he wanted to talk to that guy that he needed to walk around the corner of the bar and give me room. Guys… I enjoy talking to strangers. I like the weird and unusual things in this world. But I can’t stand rude jerks.

When foreign guy and D-Bag stop talking of course he starts back on me. In the mean time his friends are now apologizing for him being a douche and that’s when he proudly says “I know I’m a douche, but I’m okay with that.” Please– if anyone calls you any foul name — don’t be proud of it. Maybe you should change your gross personality. I just want to keep writing my blog… Please just stop talking in my direction… 😦

So he goes on about me being attractive again. It’s not flattering at all to me, just shut the fuck up already. It’s like a bipolar effect of me being good looking, to me being glued to my phone and I’m just laughing to myself at his stupid commentary. Time to unleash the bitch from hell… (You may not think this is the rudest I could have been or should have been… but for me, this is the one of the worst things I could have said to him. And I don’t feel an ounce of guilt.)

“I’m really ready to meet a girl and settle down, I would love to be married.”
“Maybe you should get on Facebook to meet her, since it’s fake, and you’re a douche in real life.”
His friends are finally telling him to stop talking to me, that I’m going to start burning him and that he looks dumb.
“She’s not burning me, this is kind of fun. I’m just telling her that I would love a girlfriend. She’s so beautiful, and I just want to talk to her.”

I finally looked at him and to shut this down I said “If you really want, I’ll find you a girl in this bar who would be willing to talk to you and fuck, but that girls is not me. So you can stop now.”
“By all means if you can find me a girl!”
“Well it’s going to be the girl barfing in the corner of the room, she’s the only one with low enough standards to talk to you. So you should go over there and leave me alone.”

And it was over, he left me alone and I didn’t have to hear his stupid comments again. But re-enter foreign dude. Again he starts yelling at the bartenders to get their attention. If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times… DO NOT YELL AT YOUR BARTENDER. Of course, it’s a busy night and the bartender finally yells back at him that he’s being rude and if he is going to be a dick to go somewhere else. He shuts up for a minute and they finally come back to serve him. “Can I have a beer?” “What kind of beer?” “I don’t know, what do you have?”

You’re kidding me, right? Beer and Dayton go hand and hand. Butter to popcorn. Just watching this guy interact with human beings made me feel the dumbest I ever have. They serve him the basics, and it’s over. FINALLY.

The only way to recover from this night was shots. One for the bartender, one for me. And more drinks.

Look if you know when you drink that you become a giant Douche Bag… Don’t interact with people you don’t know. And when you’re friends are telling you to calm down… Do it. I can usually handle my own, and this kind of stuff doesn’t bother me. But when I’m doing my own thing and you’re chiming in to my life too much, I will shut you down. Just drink and enjoy the night, play it cool. And leave the girl that’s by herself and working on her phone ALONE. People can be so idiotic.

Ahh… it feels so good to get this out of my head and in my WBW category. Let’s take a moment to cheers to no more nights surrounded by the Biggest Douche Bags in Dayton!

Thanks for reading my friends, live long and prosper.

“Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper: by the time you realize that it’s open, it has already embarrassed you…”

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Not all that glitters is gold

I get questioned a lot on if I’ve found a guy, what’s new in my life, how things have been in the dating scene. I also get teased a lot about being a crazy cat lady (I don’t have a cat… Or 40 cats… But I do like kittens), about my blog, and about doing things alone. Mom… I’m safe…. Chill out. And on the other hand I also get a lot of comments that I’m so lucky to be single, even to the point that some people have said to me they wish they were, because it’s so much easier. So I’ve taken a few days, and rather than experiencing my normal single bar hangs, I’ve kind of wifed up to experience the other side. Just because I’m single does not mean there are aren’t any boys that I care so deeply for, that I would do anything and everything for them. I just know that I can’t have a relationship with them, and I’m slowly but surely coming to terms with that. It’s been awhile since I was in an actual relationship, about two years, so I’ve kind of forgotten how to do the whole dating thing. But I’ve compiled this list of positives and negatives of the single life while I was experiencing the other side. The twilight zone if you will…

The grass is always greener… Right? Now, P = Positive N = Negative. Keep up kiddos, this will be fun.

P1. Being single means I don’t have to abide by another humans schedule. I can do what I want, when I want. That seems to be a consistent theme of my single life, if you haven’t noticed. I don’t mind it AT ALL. I enjoy my personal freedom, and don’t want to ever take it for granted. I like to wake up early, and spend a lot of time getting gorgeous for the day. And I like to stay up late and drink at bars. Nobody can complain about my schedule, except for me when I don’t want to get out of bed. 🙂

N1. I find myself joking, stressing out, discovering new places etc. by myself. It would be nice to share some moments of my life with someone who is interested and invested in me. And to have someone to lean on when times are rough. I have a support system but at a distance, my support system also have their own lives. They can’t drop everything to be there in my life. Having that one person that you can share everything with is special and rare though. If you have it, be thankful.

(Ps I’m sitting at the bar and the guy next to me is cheering up his newly single friend and said “I be out pounding puppiessss.” Brilliant dude.)

P2. All of this personal time is teaching me to be even more domesticated. A few weeks ago I had to kill a small dinosaur in my apartment. Okay, it was a house centipede, but still. And I did spazz out and yelled that I needed an adult, but I still murdered that baby dinosaur (in the garbage disposal) by myself! But that’s not all. I mean I’m learning all skills necessary to lead an adult life, which is saying way more than some of the people I know. They are learning to be dependent on others.

N2. The thought of getting married and having kids is growing cloudy. I can’t see myself married to a man, but I do know what my wedding would look like. And I really can’t see myself raising a child, but it would be cool to have a mini me running around one day. That kid would be so crazy and fun. Could the world actually handle that? It’s a scary thought to find things I do want in my future seeming unfathomable. I set goals and I do everything in my power to reach them, but then again is this a goal that we can set for ourselves?

P3. I only have to clean up after myself and I can do that however I want to and can maintain my lifestyle. During my wifey week I cleaned up after others and geez…. My personal OCD was at an all time high. Once I started I couldn’t stop until it was all done. And it had to be perfect. The struggle was real. Real dirty.

N3. A dude to have my back would be cool. New neighbors moved in upstairs and I’m already aggravated. Prior to these kids it was two gay guys who beat the living shit out of each other. (Call me a narc but when you’ve kept me up until 4:30 am fighting viciously I finally called the cops on them. Pretty sure that’s why they were evicted but I’m not sorry.) Now it’s a couple, and they are loud and obnoxious, and the sounds of them fighting is driving me crazy. Better shape up and quiet down before I send my boyfriend to shut you up! Oh wait– I don’t have one of those. Haha, what a sad joke. Which provides an additional positive note:

P3.2 I don’t like arguing and fighting and I don’t have to. I witnessed people in relationships, I live below people in a relationship, and I have been in a relationship where the couple fights all…. the…. time. It’s sad and scary and EXTREMELY annoying. Be chill, be happy, enjoy each other’s company. If you’re in a bad mood, walk away and calm down to address the problems you’re having.

P4. I don’t have to worry about meeting new people, not liking them, or them not liking me. The holidays are around the corner and I hear everyone stressing about making dinner for their family and in-laws or having to spend time with family members they don’t want to. While I’m not the most of excited to be in the same house with just my family doing nothing for 12+ hours (Guys… I have a hard time sitting still and not being productive) it’s not the worst ever. And I don’t have to make friends with people that my significant other has that I may not like. Right now I can meet whoever and don’t have to worry about hanging with them in an awkward situation. I talk to strangers, and that’s it. I’ll most likely not see the idiots ever again. I have my friends that I will keep around for ages, and enjoy their company as well. It’s an awesome win-win for me.

N4. I can’t have just friends. It always turns into something I don’t want it to be. Or someone on the outside turns it into something I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to date every guy I spend time with, I just think people are cool. And if you even suggest that I’m a lesbian because I’m hanging with a girl, or not hanging with anyone, would you like me to punch you in the face or the balls? I’ll be decent enough to give you the option. My point to make to the people who can’t just be my friend: I am not the most of hideous girls out there, and I love deeply, but I haven’t been in a committed relationship in over two years… There has to be a reason why. So keep your distance and just be my friend.

P5. I am learning all the all the details about myself at a really cool time in my life. I know where I want to go with my career, what I want in a significant other, and what I want out of my twenties. I get to be selfish and independent and there’s not many girls my age who get to do the same. I’ve learned the genres of music, movies, and television that I like and can enjoy it to the fullest. I know what I like to make for dinner, where I like to go to have fun, and how I like to schedule myself. I can only embrace this. So many people lose out on this opportunity because they are trying to accommodate a special person in their life. My mom married and had kids young, which I’m thankful to be alive and to be close in age to my parents, but I know she missed out on a lot and her and my father are very reliant on each other. I want to know everything about myself, be fully independent, and then share that wholly with someone.

N5. I hate the questioning of who I am and what I’m doing. No I don’t have a boyfriend. No I don’t have a girlfriend. No there is nothing wrong with me. No I don’t want all of that. No I don’t want to fuck. Gah. Just let me sit alone. And anyone who thinks sitting alone at the bar is asking for it, fuck you. Yep. I get this all the time. If you want a better explanation of what I mean, check out my next Way Back Wednesday  on Thanksgiving Eve.

There are reasons why I am making the choices I am right now. But what will be, will be. And I can’t do anything but build and enjoy this ride for myself. I hope if you are going through single life right now, that you can find peace in it. Meet new people, discover awesome things about yourself, and be happy. There is nothing more I can wish for all of you than just that. Find the positives in life and dig it. But most of all, love yourself through the ups and downs. If you are with someone, or if you are single, I hope you know that the other side may look nice but your life is the only one you can live.

Today I don’t have a quote for you, but a poem. Written by R. M. Drake. If you’ve never seen his poetry, check him out on instagram @rmdrk (or his book is for sale on etsy) for more beautiful words…

“She was never crazy. She just didn’t let her heart settle in a cage. She was born wild, and sometimes we need people like her. For it’s the horrors in her heart which cause the flames in ours. And she was always willing to burn for everything she has ever loved.”

Stay gorgeous my dears.

Why you should be friends with bartenders (but don’t date them!!)

Okay that title jumps to conclusions, I apologize for that. But I have some cool valid points and some shitty reasons as well. So at least read my advice!! I may be young but I got an early start and you should take this as a starting point.

I have friends that are bartenders and they are the coolest I know. I have made out with bartenders and I would totes do it again. I have “dated” bartenders and it was a Big. Fucking. Mistake. Let’s get real about this.

Being friends with a bartender means you’re going to learn about chill bars and great food. And they usually know what nights all the college kids are gonna be at the bar and what days have the best specials. Once you build that relationship you’ll also learn how to be a better patron. You’ll tip your friends better, and they’ll in return take better care of you. Maybe pour a little more in your drink versus the shitty customer sitting next to you. (Probably NOT legal, but I’ll welcome it.) take care of them and they’ll take care of you. My bartender friends don’t ID me anymore ( one less step to getting my drink) and won’t make me start a tab (also one less step between getting my drink — they know my order — and leaving — I don’t have to tell them my name). Remember being awesomely cool people is how they make their living… But they’ll be even better if you are too. All relationships are 50/50. Even this part aside, a bartender as a friend means you’re going to hear good stories. They’ll be able to pull the most memorable nights they’ve experienced and you’ll get to laugh your ass off at the stupidity of others. They also give great advice. My friend Cassie (hey girl hey!) is ALWAYS right. Always. It’s kind of scary, but she just is. Advice, business, logic, she generally gets it all and she’ll tell you straight up how it is. Bartenders are also very good at math and counting… And well I’m not. Haha! Bonus!

Now the most sassiest thing you can do is make out with your bartender. If it’s safe, if they are showing just as much interest, and they are single too (very important!!) give them a smooch here or a full on, hot make out session! 1.) you’ll get the single kid fix you need. I don’t need to get down and dirty, but a kissing session reminds me that I’m attractive and can still get a man. Confidence boost: check. 2.) They’ll treat you better than a friend. They’ll buy you an extra drink that you may not need or order you something a little better than what you’re drinking. It’s a win/win. You’ll learn a new drink that you wouldn’t normally try, and you’ll feel pretty special. They’ll pretend you’re top dog for a minute and you’ll feel better walking out. Personality boost: check. 3.) Come on… Who doesn’t love a bartender? They know what drink to make, when to do it, and generally celebrates every positive and negative moment in your life with you, even if they want to or not. Need I say more?

Now. Let’s get serious. Don’t date a bartender!! Woah, still aggressive. Okay, don’t date a bartender unless you kind of live and want to live that lifestyle. Do you work long nights? Do you work mainly weekends? Are you okay with you significant other flirting to make extra money? If you’ve answered ‘No’ to any of these questions… DON’T DO IT. Bartending is a whole different world. And if you aren’t involved in that world or welcoming to it, you will get hurt. Been there, done that. In the past, hanging out my guys bar that he works at did nothing but make me self-conscience and that is never deserved. The girls he worked with made it worse and it sucked. I never felt good enough. Granted, he didn’t make the effort to be in a real relationship with me and that was his own personal problem. But it still sucked. Don’t get me wrong, if the right guy who gave a fuck came around and was a bartender, I’d probably give him the time of day. But just know their motives. Make sure they are out for your best interest.

And just so you don’t think I’m that bossy… no matter what I say, think, or do and give advice on… Live your life the way you want to!!

“My ex taught me about heartbreak, my girls taught me about friendship, but most importantly my bartender taught me about manhattans.” — Dumped

Ladies and Gentlemen Listen (and Drink) Up!!

I  firmly don’t believe I’m a feminist and certainly not a “feminazi”. I think a man’s mind is advanced in certain key factors and a woman’s is in key in others. I mean, give a man a freshly born baby and he might not have the instinct to raise it. Give a woman a drill and some drywall and she probably wouldn’t know what to do right away. But if you give both manuals, books, and further education and they’ll both figure it out. And they’ll both be (decently) successful, until they are completely competent in that subject. Then they’ll be fucking great. So I’m creating a manual that is influenced by my small attachment of being proud to be a woman and independent. I am self sufficient and can hold my ground as a woman sitting alone at a bar. Tonight is Lucky’s Tap Room and Eatery, located in the Oregon District. Small and cozy, and only the second time I’ve been here.  (By the way, if you have a bar suggestion or request let me know! I’ll be happy to test the lonely waters.)

There’s not much seating and I’m sandwiched on the corner by two men, one of which has already introduced himself and wants to talk about our jobs, my dinner, and what the other tables are ordering. (Please let me eat, drink, and blog in peace. I just sat down!!) Any who, back to this manual. I’m sure I’ll add more to this later, but this is a good start for an easy night.

Here we go! Grab your drink now while you still have time…

photo (2)

Tips and tricks of being single at the bar… and how to enjoy it. 

Ladies:

1. Never feel like you have to tell a man who is hitting on you at a bar that you have a boyfriend — ESPECIALLY when you don’t. Be honest and the strong woman I know you are, and even more so when you are not interested. It’s okay to just want to chill the fuck out and not get picked up. I read another bloggers post about this and it has changed my single life completely. If it doesn’t work, walk away, and if the man is persistent, tell a bouncer or bartender. No one is allowed to make you feel bad or unsafe for being alone.

2. Eat, drink, and wear whatever your little heart desires. You don’t have to be on a date or plan a huge night out to dress up, head to your local pub, eat a hamburger, and take shots. Most of the bars I visit are laid back and big on beer. No matter how much I try to drink it beer gives me a headache and liquor doesn’t. So no shame in ordering my crown and coke. Hey, to each their own. I also wear a uniform 5 out 7 days in the week, so I dress up when I can. Today I spent 5 hours working on our website in my jammies and still dirty from the night before. So I picked out a dress, took a shower, and decided to look bad ass for no reason but for myself. And order the damn hamburger. Tonight I needed vegetables and got a salad, but next time I’m getting that burger and fries.

3. Learn clever lines to strike up or end conversation. You are beautiful. And guaranteed the men are going to be starting conversation with you. If you want to talk to strangers (one of my favorite hobbies) mention something funny back. One time a guy in a Nasa shirt asked me if I was single and I responded with a “Yes. Are you an astronaut?” He laughed it off and even said he wasn’t expecting that response but no he wasn’t an astronaut. So my way of shutting down the conversation was “well that’s unimpressive”. Very sassy. That’s when the kicker came back in: “I’m not an astronaut but I’ll take you to the stars.” Good one dude! Honestly, thumbs up. It was just a fun conversation that I wanted to continue. Now when someone who is wasted comes up and I just want to drink and watch football and says “you look lonely.” I drop the “I’m in a bar full of people, impossible to be lonely.” Or “you look bored.” “I’ve challenged myself to finish this drink and I need to accomplish that.” That usually gets them to shut up and walk away. You’ll slowly make up your own and if you have lines already, feel free to leave them in the comments below. 🙂

Men:

1. It is not creepy for you to sit alone and chill at a bar. This is the #1 thing I hear guys mention when I tell them about loner bar hangs and tell them to try it out. You’re creepy if you’re with a group of buddies and you’re all drunk and trying to pick up every girl at the bar. That’s a sleaze ball move. But if you’re drinking, enjoying music or sports, or just doing whatever you want to do, you look cooler to me. And if you’re by yourself, so what! You’re having fun and that’s all that matters. You’ll learn new things about yourself and even have awesome conversations with other loner people. It’s pretty fun.

2. Learn your drinking limits. And then drink under those limits. Look I’m not one to tell you have a boring time while hanging out, but if you’re with a group (or not) and you’re slurring your speech or you’re barfing outside, it’s just not cool. People will worry, you’ll get pulled over, you could get really hurt or worse. And if you’re drinking to keep up with your friends or the girl you’re with, that’s just plain stupid. Drink what you can, when you can. Nobody cares if you can belly up to the bar every time the song “shots” comes on. And if they do, they’re young, dumb, and not the crowd you wanna hang with. (Considering the bartender probably already hates them for being annoying as fuck.)

3. Find your signature drink and enjoy it when you can. I’m sure everyone knows by now that I am a crown royal and coke girl. But if bud light keeps ya happy, drink it. Shots of patron with a lime, by all means order it. Shirley Temple? Have at it dude. (I mean, I don’t strongly suggest a Shirley Temple, just for the fact that there is no alcohol.) Anyway, at the end of the day, the only person you should be out to please is yourself. If your friends make fun of you for ordering a “girly” drink, then they are crappy friends (you can do way better–or simply drink up with pride and laugh when they cringe and choke on the shot they’re doing that they don’t even like.) So order that pineapple upside down cake and chug that shit. Ain’t no shame when you’re doing your thing and well for what it’s worth, you’re still neat in my book.

So in conclusion, have fun being you. Take pride in the choices you make. And enjoy this life… It’s the only one you’ve got. I once read that you only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough and that is a key thought to being excited about the life you lead as a single, powerful, and independent human being. Male or female. 😉

“I started being really proud of the fact that I was gay, even though I wasn’t.” – Kurt Cobain

Stay cool kids. ✌️

 

Mr. Vines, Mr. Daniels, and a free meal (?) Oh My.

All week I’ve been thinking about eating an actual meal at a bar found on 5th street in the Oregon District called Blind Bob’s. It’s one of many on this street, but the music isn’t bad, and I’ve spent a few drunk nights here (definitely made out with a cute bartender during my… Let’s be awkward… Stage of my twenties) and the music and crowd is good enough for me to come back. So I went for a meal (BLT, all the toppings, and chips), and I haven’t eaten all day, so of course I drink that first crown and coke that I ordered with a fury. What better way to end a rough day? Mmm bacon… Mmm mayo… Mmm carbs….

Time for a cigarette and I’m back to order my second drink. Mind you I’m about 15 minutes from home so I do have to be careful and I try to close out my tab after I order.  “Your total is $6 bucks.” “Oh I had a BLT and another drink?” (Mind you the sandwich was so good, not sure if it was the hunger or actually good… I hate tomatoes and onion, but I could eat this BLT a million times over) *re-enter bartender in my semi food happy coma and feeling really honest, I’d totally pay for this shit* “ohhh….somebody already paid for that…for you… He paid your tab… Not sure if I’m supposed to tell you who it was though.” Okay so I’m confused. “Oh wow, thanks? Who paid for this?” “He’s a nice lad and has a good heart.” That’s the last thing he told me but I let it go (unusual for me, I wanted to thank the guy who bought my dinner)… People buy my drinks often, and it’s totally out of pity. Why is this decent girl with a smile sitting alone? How many shots until she’s drunk enough to hit on her? (5 — 5 shots and I’m almost guaranteed to be making out with you). Oh well, I’m still thankful. Thanks guy, not sure who you are (yet) even with a quick look around the bar to see if anyone is watching me pay. And that is when the Carolina Panthers start playing and Mr. Vines wants to hold a conversation.

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(Me and Mr. Vines… the Brown Street Pimp… he asked for a selfie, how could I say no?)

Oh Mr. Vines… Also known as the Brown Street Pimp from 1987 to 2014. He’s got a lot of internet cred and a decently cool guy. But he’ll talk your ear off. I got to see pictures of him in a pimp suit with a black chick cut out from a cheap nudie magazine. When he asked for my phone number… I may have given him my work number. It’s not because I didn’t want to hold a conversation with this man, I did keep talking to him, just didn’t want to get a call to my cell on the regs.

When Mr. Vines takes a smoke break, in comes Mr. Daniels. He taught the “mentally challenged and criminal students” of Dayton Public schools for over 20 years and just retired about 2 years ago. Mr. Daniels was drunk on 151 and I couldn’t understand anything except he loves music and wanted to play the jukebox (but it was taken by some hipster kids). He was really passionate about the music though and I hope to one day find something that when I talk, others feel my passion. Even if I’m wasted. 😉

Mr. Vines came back and started talking with me again. Random questions like what’s my horoscope, how long have I lived in Dayton, and if I was ready for winter. But 2 cigarettes bummed and a borrowed phone call later with Mr. Vines and I just wanted to watch football and drink so I tried to leave for a bar down the street. But before I left I went back to the bartender. I needed to know who bought my meal and first drink. That’s when I asked who bought it. He hesitates and says to me “he’s really nice… And a bigger guy… And his name is…”
[Insert the cute bartender I made out with in the past.] Well this is awkward.

That’s when I left and Mr. Vines walked me to my car. You can think it’s creepy, but he’s been walking these streets (better yet riding a bicycle) for 27 years and wanted to be sure I was safe. So I headed back home. And that is where I am. Just kidding, bar stop first, I’m sitting at comfortable King’s Table. And by comfortable I mean I’ve been here two handfuls of times and they’re starting to learn my name. But tonight was a good night of learning the Dayton originals. And at least I’ve still got it… Free meal for making out with a guy months ago? That’s fine. More $$ for booze.

Kids be safe out there but don’t assume you’re too good to talk to the weirdos.

“I’ve had some of my best conversations with strangers, she said, because they have no idea who they’re dealing with.”

Catch ya on the flip side, Cuties.

Did I really just start a blog?

Hey Kids… I guess it’s time to get this shit started.

Welcome to Sassy stories with Karamazing… of course I am Karamazing and we’re about to get really close. Cuddle up and get comfy…
(I should introduce sultry radio shows on Sirius)

So I’ve been toying with this idea about my blog and how I want it to exist in this world. I want to write the crappy bar experiences I have and give something to the other single ladies out there to relate to. But I have a different single lady in mind. The kind of woman who is or wants to be fully okay with being alone. It’s not that bad on this side of the fence. You get to do whatever the fuck you want, whenever you want.

Okay, so this kind of limits me. 

Not only do I want single ladies to relate to my stories of all things drunken bar hangs, but I also want the Hot Mama’s out there to relate as well. So I don’t have kids (the world is lucky for that right now) but I have a few friends who do. And I’ve talked to them about this bar blog, and I want to share their stories of single mom awkward bar conversations. Before you tell me that a mom should not be at the bar… ALL LADIES DESERVE TO HAVE FUN. As long as their kid isn’t in the car while their taking shots, and they are with a responsible adult, every mommy gets at least one night off.

So feel free to hang out here for a minute, and check out the latest experiences. Leave comments of questions, concerns, and advice. All thoughts are welcome. Almost all thoughts are welcome. If you’re going to be close minded and well just a fucking meany, take that shit to a blog about Oprah. Did you know she makes $10 a second.? Fact. Be rude about her life, because she doesn’t NEED $10 a second. Nobody does.

Wooooosaaaaa. Think Shots.

Kara's Personal Photos 555
(Remember that one time someone bought me a shot of Bacardi 151 as a birthday gift?)

Alright, so this is a good start, I’m excited. But I did work a long day today, and just need to go eat some food and take a shot or two. Hopefully (no, for sure) something weird will happen and you can check back in a bit for awesome stories from this little ball of sassy. Oh, and cut me some slack while I get this blog built and cool looking. Any wordpress support out there is also welcome!! 🙂

One other thing… Motivational quotes are what have gotten me through a lot of annoying and depressing nights. So I’d like to try and share one with you every post I have.
“Be Kind… For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Later Gators.